Smelling the Roses

I'm Moving!

2008-07-31T09:34:00.001-04:00

Hey y'all, in case you haven't heard, I'm moving to wordpress. Please add me to your favorites, then stop by and say hello to me in my new space!
http://amyellison.wordpress.com/

funny business

2008-07-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about humor.

I really appreciate people who can make me laugh.

Being funny is a gift and an art.

Sitting alone with my husband one night I looked over at him and said, "I am not funny." To which Drew said, "Huh?" and then he loked at me with a pitying look and continued, "Lets just say that of the two of us, you're the serious one. But you sure know how to laugh at things that are funny."

I really wish I was funny. Once in a blue moon something will come out of my mouth that is truly, smartly funny. And it always surprises me. More often than not I keep my mouth shut and let the really funny people do their thing, because usually when I try comedy I fall hard.

There are different kinds of funny. Off the top of my head I can think of slapstick, wit, sarcasm... hmm.. there's gotta be more. what's your favorite funny?

I love wit. It takes thought, timing... I cant stand sarcasm. It's like cheap humor. Anybody can do sarcasm. Heck, even I could do sarcasm. Good slapstick usually gets laughs out of me too - but then i feel mean: sitting comfortably, laughing at someone elses misfortune.

But as my Love pointed out I can laugh. I love to laugh, it is so good for us, you know? More often than not I find myself laughing much louder than anyone else in the room, and I quickly turn down the volume and think, "Gosh! How long was I laughing so obnoxiously loud? Does it sound that loud to everyone else? Why doesnt someone ever tell me to shut my trap?"

I guess I must have good friends. And thank God so many of them are funny, otherwise Ms.Serious here would shrivel up from humor deprivation.

happy to have internet again.

Chapter One

2008-04-11T21:53:00.000-04:00

I have this problem when I begin to think about too many big things at once. The issues start to swirl around and around in my head and make me a bit dizzy. The most successful cure I’ve found for this ailment is to sit down and write down all those thoughts. Somehow, the act of moving my pen (or fingers if I’m typing,) moves the swirling matters out of my aching head and onto the paper/screen. It’s miraculous.

As of late, my mind has been swirling like crazy, and if I don’t get some serious blog therapy, I’m gonna get sea-saw sick.

I’ve been thinking about Moses today.

Moses had a difficult assignment. It was unpleasant I am sure: free the Israelites from Egypt’s grip, then lead the whiny bunch to a promised land. He was so sure his job was too big for him; he tried to talk God out of choosing him at first. I am sure it was a heavy burden to bear. But oh the reward! I cannot imagine being on a mountaintop face to face with my Lord. He endured some rough times, because God had a purpose that needed to be fulfilled.

I walked out of the house this morning, on my way to class, with a heavy heart. I did not want to leave my husband who had a late start at work today. Amazingly, I did not want to leave my crazy messy, and yes, even DIRTY thing that my house has become this semester. I wanted o stay home and do nothing with my husband. Just sit on the couch in his arms, quietly. I waned to really scrub my kitchen, and vacuum my dining room.

I do not like school right now. I know. I can’t believe I am saying it either. It is not because of the school itself though. I love how alive and challenged I feel while I’m sitting in class. I get excited while taking notes on something I’ve learned for the first time.

What bothers me is all the things I’m missing out on because I’m in class or doing homework so much. Time with my husband and time to clean. This semester more so than last semester, I feel like a failure as a mother/friend/spouse/sister/daughter. I have barely picked up the phone to call ANYone since January. Part of me feels that this turning inward was due to selfishness. Part of me thinks it was self-preservation – doing what I could to remain mostly sane and maintain some kind of almost normal life, and hoping my loved ones will understand my short time of silence.

It is hard to feel like a good mother when I am not doing things I used to. I am sad that I am not with my kids as much as I want. I have to believe that things will turn out okay. I am definitely considering slowing down a bit though. Possibly taking only one class in the fall. Is it wimping out? I don’t think so. I think it is being real about what is important. If nothing else, (although there’s lots else,) this year has shown me that my organizational and motivational habits need improvement. One class would still stretch me, but hopefully leave room for a little bit of normalcy for my family and me.

I do not have the same task as Moses, fortunately. But my task is difficult just the same. I am called to be out of debt, to be free from slavery. The road to freedom for me is paved not with plagues, but with books, homework and tests. I know I am doing the right thing, but I am in the middle of the not very fun part right now. It has been hard for me to see God’s face shining down on me through some thick clouds these past couple of weeks. Everywhere I turn, I see areas where I am not making the cut. I truly believe that it is good for Christians to push to accomplish more than they can by themselves, because this is when God has to step in and help – and then He gets to reap in all due glory and praise. This is a good thing. Having faith to reach out and grab whatever task He wants for us, especially when it is something we cannot possibly accomplish on our own.

I cannot stop praising my father in heaven that I have been given enough grace to accomlpish the task set before me. I know this season will be difficult, but I know that it is just that: a season. I can see already that will come out on the other side a changed woman, and for that I am grateful.

When I am feeling so pressed, I know there is One who saves me. Another incredible part of pushing further than what is comfortable, is that it pushes us to be so dependant on Christ, for strength enough to stand. Truly, writing my thoughts down on paper may relieve my headache for a moment, but it is Christ who replaces the headache with peace. When I am weak, then He is strong, then I am dependant on him for my every breath. He knows this. He longs for me to stay with him throughout my day. To give up food for a time to remind myself of his goodness and strength that more than compensate for my shortcomings. Truly I serve a good God.

Psalm 32:67 “Therefore let everyone who is Godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will proet me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Psalm 1:2 “But his/(her) delight is in the law of the lard, and on his law (s)he meditates day and night. (s)He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in its season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever (s)he does prospers.”

Book Review: Critical Condition

2008-03-12T11:45:00.001-04:00

My Assignment for 3/12: Post your book review written for this class somewhere on-line. Print copy of the posting. Include in your portfolio.

America’s Health Care System Is Overdue for a Check-Up:
A Review of Donald L. Barlett and James B. Steele’s Book Critical Condition: How Health Care in America Became Big Business – and Bad Medicine

Mason McIlnay was a kindergartner living in Salem, Oregon. Leg aches began to plague him, and doctors soon discovered he had a serious childhood cancer called neuroblastoma. Mason was very sick, and nothing saddens the heart more than hearing about a sick child. He needed immediate treatment. Unfortunately, Mason’s family falls among the masses of 43 million uninsured Americans, an estimate agreed upon by experts.

Mason’s mother held the mother-of-all garage sales with the hopes of bringing in enough money to pay the tens of thousands of dollars they owed for his treatments. She made enough profit to put a dent in the mountain of debt she had been carrying, but not enough to lift the entire weight off her tired shoulders. She must continue to make huge payments for years to come. This is one of many heart-breaking stories found in Donald L. Barlett and James B. Steele’s latest book, Critical Condition: How Health Care in America Became Big Business – and Bad Medicine (Doubleday, 2004, 304 pgs.) These in-your-face accounts of despair force readers to consider how this supposedly great country could abandon so many needy and sick Americans.

Critical Condition is a reproachful analysis of America’s health care system and the damaging attempt to improve health care in America by using a market-based approach. Barlett and Steele write, “What does it say about the richest country on earth that its citizens must depend on raffles and spaghetti dinners to pay the medical bills – a situation that exists in no other civilized country?”(12). Critical Condition goes on to explain, America’s health care costs more than any other country’s: 15 percent of gross domestic product in 2003. Yet, when comparing lifespan in terms of years of healthy living, Americans rank 29th among nations – between Slovenia and Portugal. “In sum, Americans pay for a Hummer but get a Ford Escort,” writes Barlett and Steele (13). Sadly, they do not get around to offering a solution until the last fifteen pages of the book. This latest collaboration by the authors effectively shows how America’s health care is failing miserably, but without much attention given to possible solutions, readers are left feeling hopeless.

This bleak examination of America’s health care is the seventh book by the Pulitzer prize-winning investigative team. These men have been working together for over thirty years: first at the Philadelphia Inquirer, then at Time magazine, and now at Vanity Fair. (barlettandsteele.com). They are the authors of the 1992 book America: What Went Wrong, an analysis of the apparent trend toward a middle class decline, which spent eight months on the New York Times bestseller list. Describing Barlett and Steele’s approach in America: What Went Wrong, Remesh Ponnuru commented in the National Review that the authors prefer “to tell economic history as a morality play, with venal politicians and greedy, short-sighted CEOs ganging up on working stiffs.” Story-telling is an effective method of selling an idea, and seems to be a favored approach of the authors in many of their works. Working together for so many years has obviously refined their teamwork and deepened their investigative ability. Barlett and Steele are experienced in digging deep to discover things the average American citizen would not likely find otherwise.

Barlett and Steele provide plenty of true stories to demonstrate their points, to help readers relate and perhaps even be moved to compassion. Like the story of Jack and Donna Brown. Donna, a waitress, was uninsured but needed colon surgery. Her hospital bill was a whopping $57,000 that she just could not pay. The hospital sued, and she lost her home. The authors then follow a horrific story such as this with strong supporting evidence of the problem at hand.
Without fail, Barlett and Steele provide gripping evidence that proves the truly critical condition of our health care system. Barlett and Steele state, “Nearly one of every three dollars now spent on health care goes for administration” (170). The book explains that American consumers pay more for fewer benefits while contending with a lack of choice in providers and prices. Frustrated patients and Physicians are dealing with billing chaos and confusion caused by the excessive number of health plans. To increase profit, providers overcharge the uninsured and limit hospital stays with overly restrictive guidelines. Pressured hospitals dangerously cut costs by cutting number of staff and supplies and reducing sterilization. Undertrained and overworked nurses make frightening mistakes. The media contributes to the problem as well, Barlett and Steel suggest, by urging people to undergo countless unnecessary tests and causing an overuse of the system, which drives up prices. Pharmaceutical giants push off-label prescriptions (untested combinations of tested drugs like the infamous fenphen) and the FDA has suspiciously slow response times to side-affect concerns. HMO and hospital chain CEO’s seem to care more about the bottom line and their own lavish lifestyles than they do about the lives of their fellow American citizens. And all this madness is because, Barlett and Steele propose, in the end anyone who has any power in this crazy system ultimately chooses their pocketbook over morality. “At best it’s a costly and wasteful system that siphons off precious health care dollars. At worst, it causes injury and death” (159). Page after page, chapter after chapter, the authors give shocking examples of the system’s complete failure.

Aptly included in the title, Critical Condition: How Health Care in America Became Big Business – and Bad Medicine, are the words “big business and bad medicine” – an unfortunate combination for American citizens. In Critical Condition, Barlett and Steele explain that corporate decisions at a marketing company, for example, “may have economic consequences affecting the paychecks, dividends, or stock options of workers, executives and investors.” However, “the same decisions in a health care company are matters of life and death” (154). The book’s title effectively echoes this belief.

Critical Condition is written for not only politicians and physicians (though they should absolutely read it) but for average American health care consumers. Their writing style is easy for those average citizens to understand and achieves the authors’ desired response: won over by the authors’ persuasiveness, rallied proponents are ready for change – although readers may not realize they have not been given all the information they need. In the conservative-leaning Newsweek magazine, Robert J. Samuelson states that Barlett and Steele tend to “report matters so selectively – with so little attention to conflicting evidence or any larger context – that ordinary readers are misled.” Surely the authors are not trying to mislead, but the selective nature with which they offer information fails to fully equip average readers who are attempting to shape informed opinions.

The authority with which Barlett and Steele present their case against a market approach to care comes from the depth to which they have researched this topic. Critical Condition is full of facts and studies with seven pages of sources at the end. Marie D. Jones writes in her review of the book for curledup.com, “All of the shocking information in this tragic, but utterly critical book points to one thing. We are on the verge of a major disaster here in the United States, a disaster that will cripple our economy and leave millions ill and without proper care.” The plethora of facts is almost dizzying, and because so little conflicting evidence is presented, the many facts sway readers that what is being read is God’s truth.

So what are readers to do with all this information – demand change from the country’s leaders? Okay, but what kind of change? Barlett and Steele propose a single payer system (read: universal health care coverage) to correct all of this. Readers may find that this book pushes them to elect leaders who have health care reform as a top priority. Reading Critical Condition will cause one to believe that conservatives and other opponents to universalized care simply do not realize that adopting universal coverage would not be a radical move for America. “We already have universal health care for everybody aged sixty-five and over: It’s called Medicare” (138). According to the authors, universal coverage would not mean communist medicine either; rather it would bring American citizens up to par with the other industrial countries and their dedication to providing good health to all people. Jocelyn Chao said it well, albeit through sarcasm, in her editorial on universal health care for The Onion, “What will they tell us next – that everyone deserves a free public education and the ‘right’ to a fair trial?” Americans who believe all people are created equal may conclude that providing universal coverage to all is a very worthwhile goal for America.

Sounds great, except how exactly does that work again? The plan recommended in Critical Condition seems intangible. The short 15-page final chapter devoted to the Author’s solution titled “Remedy” falls short of expectations. Bruce P. Hurter M.D. writes for Psychiatric Services, “Critical Condition is particularly strong in its presentation and documentation of the ‘costs’ of modern medicine,” but it “less clearly presents a framework for remedy” (Hurter). Barlett and Steele mention other countries that benefit from single-payer systems, and an overview of how Canada, Sweden or Japan run their health care programs could have provided some needed clarity. A chapter devoted to examining a working universal health care system could have painted a picture for readers of how it might also work for America. Had they included more support to their claims, Barlett and Steele could have pushed readers from thinking, “Hmm… sounds interesting,” to crying out, “What are we waiting for?”

Despite a weak close, Barlett and Steele have done an outstanding job at presenting their case against America’s Health Care system. Critical Condition: How Health Care in America Became Big Business – and Bad Medicine thoroughly convinces readers of the grave shortcomings of the current system. In the end, Critical Condition is a book full of frightening health care horror stories with no happy ending in sight. Sweet Dreams.

Tell of His goodness

2008-03-11T22:00:00.000-04:00

Our pastor is a man I deeply respect. He walks with God in a way I have seen in very few people throughout my life. Our church has a time of testimonies every week - when people tell of the good things God has done, and a week ago, Pastor Mike asked Andrew if he and I would share a testimony the following Sunday. After some thought, and preparation, we did just that a few days ago. Andrew shared first, then me. The response was overwhelming. And I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Writing out a testimony is a very spiritual experience and I cannot help but get shaken up every time I read it. What follows is my portion of our testimony:

"I’ll start my story a few years ago. Andrew and I were leading a fairly comfortable life. We had two kids and a mortgage. We attended church regularly, and were involved with the youth and/or music ministries.

However, I began to develop issues of unforgiveness – I was judging others who, ironically, I felt were judging me unfairly. Going to church was no longer an enjoyable experience; I just did not want to be around all those people pretending to love me, while I was convinced that they didn’t.

Never did I consider that they may be loving me the best they knew how. I felt very alone. I was unhappy, yet I wasn’t reflecting on the fact that my unhappiness could be connected to this critical and unforgiving attitude I had.

Somehow, God got it through my thick skull that as long as I kept praying and reading the Bible, I would eventually find the peace I knew He wanted for me. After a while God revealed to me that I was missing something – namely His purpose and calling for me. My general distrust in people was jabbing was away at any effectiveness I could have representing Christ to others. He hadn’t called me to be the bitter woman I was becoming. He wanted more for me than barely surviving on each Sunday’s message, choked off from the love of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I got on my knees – on my face – and prayed and wept, and God began to forgive my pride and heal my bitterness. My eyes opened wide to my sin, and God gave to me the precious gift of a repentant heart. I was aware of the forgiveness that was available to me as a direct result of me forgiving others. Forgiving people who had hurt me and forgiving myself for how I acted in return, is an experience I will treasure always. Because truly, I was not free, and I had not been living until I was forgiven by Christ, who shed his blood for me.

That experience taught me something I thought I already knew: I cannot do Christianity on my own terms. Now that I had learned this lesson of forgiveness, it was clear that over the past few years, I had been settling for status quo Christianity, and I wanted a change. God called me to rise up, to be a woman of prayer, to give Him my all – and stop thinking I have to handle everything on my own. The only way I was going to feel alive again was through prayer and complete devotion to Him. For His great sacrifice of giving His son to die for my sins, I can give nothing less.

Instead of living for my own happiness, I want to be used by God to represent His shining light to people around me. I want my life to reflect God’s love. I have learned the beauty of loving people where they are at, and not expecting others to be perfect – anymore than I am perfect. It is not my place to judge anyone else, or his or her walk with God, but to place my trust in Him.

Andrew and I came together in prayer as we sought God for wisdom, grace and direction. He led us back to Woodlawn, the church we had left a couple years before. I was a very good thing.
I am so thankful God grabbed hold of us when He did. We have seen the power of prayer in our finances, in our children, in our relationships, and in our faith as it increases more than we could have thought possible. We were experiencing some serious financial struggles not too long ago and we prayed, and mediated on scriptures, and God blew away our expectations again and again.

And it’s all because of the power of prayer. When we are people of prayer, God can work in us and through us. The more I learn of his Grace, the more desperate I become for Him to use me.
I want to end with a scripture that has been on my mind the past couple weeks: Matt. 16:24-25 'Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.' Amen!"

God is so holy, so good.

CO2 buildup and mini-vacations

2007-10-05T16:20:00.000-04:00

almost ninety degrees today! all i want to do is be able to wear a sweater and jeans, and cover up - but instead it feels like beach weather in october.

funny: on tuesday my bio. lecture touched on the greenhhouse effect and global warming, and my son read a book about global warming that night.

also: i am so happy that someone offered to scholarship me for our church's women's retreat. next fri-sat. i have been saying a lot lately that i just need a day off. this will be good. waking up in the morning with no one to look after but myself - with friends around too!

last: my dad's surgery is in two weeks, on the 18th. please be praying.

thank you.

2007-09-23T20:37:00.000-04:00

once upon a time, i prided myself on my independance. mistakingly, i assure you. i am not independant, but completely dependant. mostly, i depend on god, and my husband. but lately, i have needed to depend on almost everybody else i know. it is stretching me. humbling me. i cannot do it all. i am not superwoman; i cannot do everything.

going to school while my children are young is a balancing act. but i was thinking the other day, as much as i sometimes say i wish i had gone to school before having babies, perhaps this has worked out even better. had i first gone to school and begun a career, i would have felt more pressure to return to work after a short maternity leave. and i have so cherished these last seven years home with them. so, going to school now will allow me to move right from my degree into working without a long break on my resume. this is good.

i think all this will work, but not on my own account. it will be because of the many family and friends who gave of themselves to allow me the priveledge of returning to school. those wonderful angels i know who have driven my kids from here to there, or cared for them when i just couldn't. i won't credit the source, but it does take a village to raise a child. i don't deserve help - and that's probably why it's so humbling to accept it. and i seem to need so much of it lately, that i feel it's unlikely i'll ever be able to repay everyone. but i am so thankful, because without you precious people, i'd have to put off schooling, and the hope of doing something i love and earning income, for years.

so, i feel like shouting from the rooftop, from the bottom of my heart, to all who have helped, and you know who you are: thank you!!!

the assignment:

2007-09-18T22:45:00.000-04:00

write 4-6 paragraphs in thesis support format, in third person, using semi-formal word choices.

the product:

Rewards of Parenting

Parenting is one of the most selfless paths in life. Rearing children and equipping them for life is truly a difficult task. It is a job that requires sometimes unimaginable strength, patience and perseverance from the parent, yet offers no material compensation. There is hope, though, for these sometimes exhausted individuals who are charged with the awesome responsibility of shaping the generations to come. Parents who are careful to invest in their children’s lives will indeed reap great benefits.

Quality parenting often involves large quantities of time spent with the children, and this time can be as rewarding for the parents as it is for their children. While interacting with their youth, parents often watch in wonder at their children’s little faces, and almost be able to see the learning and growth happening right before their eyes. As parents teach their five-year-old to read, for example, they reap the satisfaction of knowing that through such a relatively simple act, they will have opened countless doors of opportunity for their child. It is a magical time in a child’s life, and a treasure to take part in. Additionally, children who are confident in the love of their parents, in part due to the parents investment of quality time, will not hesitate to let that love shine right back through them. Every spontaneous hug and "I love you," swells the parents’ hearts. And with every carefully scribbled drawing that is given to a parent, children demonstrate their love. These are gifts to be cherished and rewards of the hard work that is parenting – gifts that will be missed if the parent isn’t around to receive them.

Another benefit of a strong parent/child relationship is the trust that ensues. Children are taught to trust their parents through receiving consistent love and discipline. These essential practices allow the children to feel safe in coming to their parents for advice throughout their journey to adulthood. In times of distress, these children have security in knowing they can come to their parents for acceptance and help. Earning the trust of a child rewards parents with a lifetime of conversations that may otherwise have been nonexistent.

At times parenting can be quite difficult, but parents who work hard at giving their children what they need to feel loved and to be successful in life are ensuring a bright future for them. Indeed this sort of relationship will almost certainly produce a well-adjusted, contributing member of society. It is not difficult to find examples of this; words of thanks from a son or daughter to sacrificing and supportive parents can be heard at a graduation ceremonies or on televised award shows. Alas, well-loved children eventually grow up, and leave their parents to form a life all their own, but the sacrifices and gifts given by their parents will not be forgotten. No, they will likely be devoted children for the rest of their lives. And one day, when they become parents themselves, they will have all the tools needed to successfully raise their own young ones. Great parenting from birth is the beginning of a beautiful chain reaction.

There are no clear instructions on how to be a good parent. It is a balance that has to be learned for every unique child / parent relationship. What is clear is that when parents follow their instincts and strive to do their best – pouring love and attention into their children – they themselves benefit from the process. Author Sonia Taitz put it well when she said, "What children take from us they give... We become people who feel more deeply, question more deeply, hurt more deeply, and love more deeply." Being a parent has a way of grabbing hold of a person, and has the capability to change a person for the better, in ways they never thought imaginable.

and she got an A.
end story.

i'm still alive.

2007-09-16T22:31:00.000-04:00

promise.

i finished my first college essay tonight. my sister teases me that i am only so excited because my school expreience is just begining... she assures me that in a few years, lectures wont be so interesing, and homework wont be as fun... but gee... i hope that's not true. as much as studying in itself is not something i enjoy, while i am doing it, i am deep down excited to be learning, and using brain muscles that have been dormant for a long while.

tomorrow my son turns seven. he's had one rockin birthday weekend extraveganza. yay! happy day, buddy.

my life is turning - again. i suppose our lives are always shifting and changing. well... with school started, and our house hopefully selling this school year, i know some changes will hit our family a bit. and then there's church. ah, yes. church. it's quite the subject eh? we could talk for days on this subject, and yet in the end, is there really anything to say about it at all? it is what it is.

my husband has a change of career on the brain too. please keep him in your prayers. selling cars is not a career he wakes up excited about, and it's not the best job in this economy for a single income family. we have been praying and feel that his going to school would be good, maybe a computer related track- but the guy works all the time, so that will be very difficult to say the least... sigh....

anyway. i am hopeful for the future, it looks good to me.

dear blog.

2007-09-07T22:00:00.000-04:00

i have some friday night unloading to do.

what a day, huh? i say that a lot. the complexities and sress of life never cease to amaze me!
here i sit with my ultra-cold, slightly skunky german beer. my husband will buy any beer that has a german name - skunky or not.

we got new carpet installed today. well, sort of. they were three hours late and didnt have time to finish, so our steps are still bare. what?! three hours late to work and they didn't have time to finish? that's crazy. ummm.... can't people in other jobs get fired for that sort of thing? and unfortunately i couldn't argue with them very well because english was barely their second language. ugh.

in the middle of this crazy day, i got a phone call. my sister called to update me on the results of the angiogram my dad had today. this was a routine test to check on his burst anurism that was operated on in July. and the news isnt the best. the coils they placed inside the anurism to cause the blood to clot have shrunk, and thus, are not helping clot as much as needed, AND the anurism has grown. he is scheduled for brain surgery.

are you kidding me? i couldnt believe it. i was so certain that this test was going to confirm his smooth recovery. so i stood in my torn apart, half-carpeted house and cried for a brief second. the future is uncertain. i know i'll survive, and come out stronger. *i dont think he is dying soon* but if i'm wrong, Lord, i'm not ready for my dad to die.

------

part II of my thoughts tonight is so completely polar opposite of the sadness and stress of the previous paragraphs.

i am so freakin busy ! woo hoooo! but it's not without purpose. i love this busyness. i love love LOVE being a student. i love having to study. i love listening to lectures. i have had so much fun at school this week. oh! yesterday i got to use a great microscope. just practicing with it of course, but MICROSCOPES are SO COOL! i want one. i got 10/10 on my first bio. assignment. so far so good.

and my english instructor is a dream! he is seventy years old, and has been teaching at OCC since it began in Royal Oak. I love his approach to teaching, and his sense of humor. i think i smiled through most of his class. he totally reminds me of a masculine grandma barbara (my husband's paternal grandmother.)

so, while i am crazy busy, i am somewhere deep inside having fun.
those are my thoughts tonight, dear blog. tomorrow i go to my dad's all day to spend time with him ( he needs company for 24 hours after his test...) and then off the grandma barbara's 79th birthday party. Sunday however, is MY day. well - OUR day. andrew and i will have all sorts of anniversary fun on Sunday.

"itinerary for 8th anniversary celebraions!

sat
8pm- drop off kids

sun
8am- wake up!

8:45-9ish- breakfast at waffle and omelette cafe in plymouth

10:30-11ish- IKEA madness and swedballs

1pm- real seafood co.

2:30-3ish- go to the arb, window shop, etc.

5:45pm- dinner at melange

8pm- ??? movie? two days in paris.

10ish- go home and collapse in a heap

xo"

---

i know. he's a catch. i love him. so much.

portfolio of beauty

2007-08-19T22:02:00.000-04:00

a look at the artwork of my husband, andrew m. ellison

i could look at these all day. i pray that someday andrew would have time to sit at an easel and create some more.
xo

The day of quizzes.

2007-08-17T10:58:00.000-04:00

i was tagged by kris (http://www.krisdmurphy.typepad.com/)

The Rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their 8 things) and post these rules.

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

alrighty... random facts or habits.

1. i'd rather eat with my fingers than utensils. i loved visiting india for that reason. god gave us these opposable thumbs for a reason - they work so well. and sometimes, when i'm eating dinner with just the kids, i realize halfway through that i havent picked up my fork yet. such a barbarian, i know. to be fair, some things need a fork though - like spagetti.

2. i like painting my walls - for the first five minutes. after that, every stroke is like fingernails on a blackboard.

3. since our car was stolen, i get up in the middle of the night at least a few times a week and check out my window to make sure the cars are still there.

4. i'm the queen of belting out songs over and over until my kids tell me they're getting a headache. hey - i'm just having fun, and if it happens to give them a taste of their own medicine at the same time, all the better.

5. i read the obituaries every sunday.

6. i started reading straight through the bible almost three years ago, and i'm still in Isaiah - i'm enjoying the journey though.

7. staples in my diet: coffee. sugar free hazelnut creamer. peanut butter. coffee. sausage. choclate milk. popcorn. coffee. chips and salsa. pickles. avacados. coffee. and leftovers.

8. i made it this far. can't i think of one more? oh! i know! why dont you all list one random/weird fact/habit about me! that sounds like fun. like: she types is all lowercase 'cause she's lazy and doesn't know how to use spell check!

i tag: danielle, nikki, melody, cheryl, shannon, hannah, jeremy, and what the heck, shall i dare say andrew?

------------

from lilyma:

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Write down what it says:

Georgia occupied a fortunate postion in the family.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can...what do you touch first?

A coaster

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, what time is it. 10:45am

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

only 10! yay.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

sesame street counting to 14.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

last night, to grill some kabobs and weed my "gardens"

8. Before you came to this website, what were you looking at?

my family as simpons at simpsonizeme.com

9. What are you wearing?

oh-so-cozy jammies.

10. What did you dream last night?

na. who knows.

11. When did you last laugh?

when making breakfast - something silly, but dont remember what

12. What's on the walls of the room you're in?

A clock, a print, a mirror, a wierd guitar/harp thingy from (egypt?)

13. Seen anything weird lately?

that guitar harp thingy on my wall.

14. What do you think of this survey?

i dont

15. What's the last film you saw?

The Bourne Ultimatum (x2)

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?

your love :P

17. State something about yourself most people don’t know.

i cant remember what my bellybutton looked like before babies.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?

my face would be on the dollar bill of course.

19. Do you like to dance?

totally. but, being a married woman whose husband isnt all that fond of dancing, my dancing options are severly limited.

20. What is one trip you would like to take right now?

right now? somewhere fun for my anniversary. away. a hotel with big bath tubs and sparkling pools and great food.

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?

in a heartbeat. africa. england. not australia - hate the accent.

IF YOU READ THIS ALL THE WAY THROUGH YOU ARE OFFICIALLY TAGGED TO DO IT TOO.

thanks lillyma.

time to unload...

2007-08-02T21:55:00.000-04:00

i'm all ready for my garage sale (not at my house) i hope to make a few extra bucks over the next couple days to put toward school stuff for me and the kids.

stuff. yeesh. what a word. anyway.

here i sit, sweating. i feel like i've been sweating for weeks, but especially these past couple days. dog days like these make me appreciate the other three seasons that much more.

i want to show you something:

this is one of my all time favorite birthday gifts ever. there's a story here. a few months ago, during the last weeks of school, i drove by a garage sale. i dont stop at garage sales often, but i had time, so i thought 'why not.' i saw this dresser/night stand for thirty bucks, and i couldnt think of a reason NOT to buy it. in my purse i had a little birthday money from andrew's grandparents and my dad, and i have been wanting a new dresser forever. (i've had the same hand-me down dresser since i was 15 ... and it was my brothers for probably ten years before it was mine.)

i fell in love with these pieces ( the owner said it was from 1970ish, i was thinking late sixties?) it's solid furniture, dovetailed. i totally acted on impulse and bought it and brought it home. it sat in my garage, sanded and washed and waiting for my crazy month of june to be over. and a few weeks ago my husband gave me such a gift when he sprayed a fresh coat of paint on it, and screwed on some shiny new hardware. anywho - i am thankful for andrew and his hard work and wanted to show it off a bit.

i didn't intend to write that much about the silly dresser. oh well. out it came, and there it stays.

what i really wanted to write about tonight was something bigger. more grand than i can explain. in my mind are thoughts about faith. what it is - and isn't. why i've been afraid of it. i've been hoping for some time now. but i am praying and desiring the step beyond hope which is faith. for instance my hope in knowing that God CAN heal us versus the faith that says he WILL heal us. i have stayed so far away from faith because of situations that turned me off from it. people/doctrines that teach a faith that's formulaic, manipulative or selfish.

i've been thinking. i've been praying. i am tired of standing back and letting life happen and hoping for the best, instead of stepping up, getting on my knees and doing something about it. i want to have something better than hope to offer the world. i want to have faith, backed up by deeds, to show others that there is a loving God in our midst - waiting for someone to believe and take hold of what he taught his first disciples so long ago. i want that. i'm still thinking, and praying, and i have nothing figured out. but this is heavy on my heart and exciting to my soul.

xo

Simply Maaahrrrvelous.

2007-07-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

ahh! after being without internet for what seemed like FOREVER, we finally have a connection. it's marvelous.

what a busy summer it's been, no? this has to be some sort of personal record for me. it's late, and i'm exhausted, but i assure you, now that i have internet access, i will be writing again soon.

a few quick updates: on monday my dad had his last doctors' visit for the next few months, and the doctor called him "the miracle man." the doc. couldn't believe how well my dad looked. he gave dad the okay to drive again, and today was his first day back to work. (wonderfully he works mostly from home, so he can take naps if he needs to.) i am relieved.

i've done a lot of footwork for starting college. registration starts online or via-phone tomorrow at 7am. i will be taking a biology and an english course. a total of three days a week in the classroom. here i go!

AND!!!!! Happy Birthday Kevin!!!!!!

"and now it's time to say good night. we will sleep with our pet zeep. today is gone. today was fun. tomorrow is another one. every day, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."

randomness from my random thinkin brain

2007-07-02T20:57:00.000-04:00

i love bare feet. i'm not sure it's the best thing for my knees/back, etc... but i love it. i love my peppermint foot lotion and coconut foot creme that andrew bought for me. they make me feel pampered.
we had late lunch ( or early dinner?) hey, by the way, why do they have a word for late breakfast (brunch) but not late lunch? how about we call it lupper (lunch/supper)? we had lupper with some old friends we hadn't seen in waaaaay too long. they have twice as many kids as us, but two of theirs are the same ages as ours. the kids played beautifully, and we had such a great time. it's one of those situations where you cant figure out why you ever drifted apart in the first place. my brain knows it's because we were busy, and our lives took us in to different places. but it was good to see them and i look forward to having them to our place soon.
and wouldn't you know it? drew's parents called today and asked if the kids could spend the night tonight. they missed the kids, and woooHoooo!!! yeah, that's all i can say about that.
there are times in life when my instinct tells me to run and hide. from problems, confrontations, challenges. when i choose to fight those feelings, it's scary as hell, but the feeling of growth afterward is so rewarding.
i am on my way to seeing some of my dreams come true. it seems like i have been saying that i am going to go to college for ages. always in the future tense. but. BUT. dare i say it. i am going to college this fall. i applied for the FAFSA, i applied to OCC and made an appointment with a counselor. there are no words to describe my heart right now. i am slightly nervous, but super excited, and feel like this is similar to a long awaited pregnancy. i've waited and wanted it for soo long, and it's finally come. my plans? possibly spend a while at OCC then transfer my credits to Wayne State and someday become a Registered Nurse. Nursing is something i have always wanted to do, even before my favorite TV shows were ER, Greys Anatomy, Scrubs and House. but i never believed in myself enough to think i could do it. didn't think i was smart enough quite honestly. but seeing the hundreds of nurses this month that i've seen helped me to see that it IS something i could do. i CAN do it. i am so excited about nursing.

went to visit dad again this morning.

2007-06-25T09:34:00.000-04:00

the home-care nurse came by, and after his check-up told him that he no longer requires 24 hour care. that has been confirmed by his neurologist. all i can say is Praise the Lord! i''m glad he is doing so well. he's coming along just fine. he needs to be checked on daily - but that's no big deal. i'll take him to a doc. appt on wednesday, and see him again friday, and maybe buy him groceries both days - the man is used to buying fresh food every day, so not being able to drive is getting to him. but i have his keys! hee hee.

every so often a cliche can become very real to me. for instance - live every moment as though it was your last. now, i've always believed that. i didnt think i could believe it more. but i do. every interaction with friends, family and strangers is suddenly so much more important. i am not sure how much longer my father will be with me, i am not sure how much longer ANYone will be with me. tomorrow isn't guaranteed. leave nothinig unsaid. no one un-hugged. say i love you everytime you think it. we are human, mortal and fragile.

looking up

2007-06-22T21:28:00.000-04:00

sitting in my car tonight at twenty mile and livernois, i couldnt bring myself to drive. my thinking was blurred and all i could do was cry. then, praying a prayer without words, i shook myself and i knew that i needed to stop the tears. having done all to stand, stand therefore. i need to hang on to hope and confidence in our all-knowing Father.

my dad wad released from beaumont this afternoon. his tests results from yesterday came back and there were no new concerns. that was good to hear. there was confusion today over where he was to go after leaving the hospital. as it turns out, because my father can walk and talk, insurance wont cover the care facitilities we had planned to take him to. so my dad is now back in his condo, but will need someone with him 24/7 for at least 2-4 weeks or until his doc. gives the okay. wonderfully his sister is staying with him for at least the weekend. i am releived she is doing that, i was starting to feel that because i am the stay-at-home mom, the long hours would all fall to me. better to share.

i'm certain the kids and i will be spending lots of time there this next month. and he's not close-by so we'll be hunting for good gas between here and troy for sure!

that's the update.

xox

how was my day today?

2007-06-21T23:05:00.000-04:00

as my dad would say, "that IS the question."

i am completely drained and worn and confused. i feel fine, and strong when i am with him, but everytime i leave his room or the hospital i have a moment of release - venting the stress with tears. the stress of the unknown. what does his future hold? what role will i play in it? what will the cat scan results be? ugh!!!!!! lord god almighty i need you.

i really miss my children, i want to hold them forever. cuddle them, smell them, push them on the swing. listen to them whine. whatever. i know this is just for a time. me hanging out in an un-kid friendly hospital. soon they'll be able to come with me to visit grandpa.

my dad scared me a bit today. i went in early because i heard a rumor that he was to be released. but then he had one last MRA that showed that his ruptured aneurism was slowly filling with blood. the neurosurgeon will be watching that closely apparently. yeah. so i waited with him all day for someone to come sign him out, until his headache grew worse and they decided he needed another CAT scan. which they didnt get to until i was leaving for the night around 8pm. they also want to do a doppler on his legs to rule out blood clots. (he's been having great pain in both his legs.)

but i tell you, this has just been an emotional week. emotions flying everywhere. dad has given his words of wisdom to every visitor. teary eyed and full of love, it's as if he's giving his last words. it's hard to take in such latge doses. all day today we had such good talks - that i'll remember forever - but it's hard. it's hard to see him want nothig else than to go home and get in his bed, and i cant just say yes. i hate seeing him hurt. he's been in so much pain this week, mostly his head hurts. it's hard to watch. but i want to be there for him. he keeps saying how much it means to have me there with him. how comforting it is. and i wouldnt have it any other way. i've gotten to hear stories i've never heard before about his parents and his life.

well now, there's a chance he'll be discharged tomorrow and then he's moving to an acute care facilty where he can have a little physical therapy and some neuro/psych therapy, and most importantly have someone with him 24/7. he'll be there for a couple weeks i think. then back to his condo.

gosh - if anyone's still reading this - thank you guys. thank you hannah and jenny and shannon for the DELICIOUS food - thank you meldoy for the food you made that i wasnt home to receive yet, thank you cheryl for calling and sending your love, thank you shannon for taking such good care of my kids and taking them to swim class. thank you to danielle and nikki ad all my family for your kind words and prayers. thank you, thank you , thank you all.

first and foremost

2007-06-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

first and foremost: thank you to all who expressed concern for me and my family this past week. i truly felt loved and cared for.

my father was moved to a progessive care unit today - a step down from the ICU. he's got his own shower and a plasma TV - i'm not sure he's going to want to leave. physically he is doing very well. it will be some time still before we're certain how much this has affected him mentally.

now onto the sillines of life:

in my quest for a good box of haircolor i think i may have found success. i am very pleased with the color i used today - it looks exactly like it did six weeks ago when my mom treated me to a proffessional colorist. so now, i just have to remember which one it is, and pray L'oreal doesn't discontinue it! it's preference by loreal, 4G - dark golden brown. yay!

the kidlets started swim class today. they're both level one - -but my goal is to give them classes for the next four years or so until they KNOW how to swim. until they are so comfortable in the water that you could drop them off in the middle of a lake and tell them to swim to shore and they wont be afraid. no fear.

also - my oh my i am officialky a morning person. i never would've thought it possible when i was in highschool staying up till two am weekdays, and sleeping through first hour. but for over a week now i have woke up BEFORE six am - WITHOUT an alarm. it's crazy. it's cool. i love mornings anyway - it's such a peaceful but productive time of the day. the only problem i'm having is that i'm no good for socializing past 8 or 9. but: spending a few minutes in a quiet house, sitting on the couch stroking my kitty ( who LOVES and needs morning cuddle time) and drinking coffee - and having time to do laundry and tidy up before anybody else is awake - that is truly enjoyable. i hope it lasts.

de-briefed.

2007-06-13T23:26:00.000-04:00

not that y'all really need to know all this, but i think it may be therapeutic to type out a little of what's happened with my dad.

saturday afternoon he was going for a bike ride, and while riding along a major road he experienced a headache unlike anything he'd ever experienced. the pain was so intense he crashed his bicycle in the middle of the street. a very kind stranger saw him, and pulled him over to the sidewalk and called an ambulance.

at troy beaumont hospital they ran some tests and discovered he'd burst an aneurism in his frontal lobe and he had another minor aneurism that hadn't burst. they transferred him to Royal Oak beaumont where there was a better neuro team. saturday night they performed a surgery, going up through his leg and placing some negatively charged coils into his brain, into the aneurism to clot it, and stop the hemorrhaging. the waiting was hard, but finally at 2:30am the doctor came in and told us that dad was stable, but we'd have to watch him carefully over the next couple weeks.

they woke him up from his induced coma. this was hard to watch. he was struggling, and afraid. he made faces that scared me, but he was asleep. finally he woke up.

sunday through monday i was able to spend a lot of time holding his hand and stroking his hair. at one point he was very alert and making jokes nonstop. monday night, around 2am, he suffered some VTAC (?) issues - irregular heart rhythm stuff. tuesday was rough and he complained of severe headaches all day. IV drugs didn't help. tuesday was a quiet day, he was tired and any stimulation (talking, lights etc...) made his situation worse. i sat in the room with him totally silent for hours. just watching him breathe. tuesday we learned that he had in fact suffered two strokes on saturday. my brother and his new wife got into town that day and were able to visit for a while.

i got a call wednesday (today? yes. today.) that the doctors were concerned about him - his processing was getting slower, he was more tired, the headaches were nonstop, and his blood-pressure had sky-rocketed at one point up to 217/110. they had to do yet another (maybe his third?) CAT scan, and perform a second brain surgery to relieve pressure and check for spasms. that was our day today. waiting for results. the doctors thought he may not make it through the surgery because of his heart issues. but he did. and the surgery went well. they didn't find any vasospasms.

he will be in the ICU 10-14 more days. it will be touch and go for that long. they may have to repeat the surgery a few more times.

i'm getting very familiar with beaumont hospital. and i'm missing my husband and kids. and i've inherited my dad's cat.

mostly i'm tired.

Doing Some E-Research

2007-06-12T00:50:00.000-04:00

"A cerebral aneurysm occurs at a weak point in the wall of a blood vessel (artery) that supplies blood to the brain. Because of the flaw, the artery wall bulges outward and fills with blood. This bulge is called an aneurysm. An aneurysm can rupture, spilling blood into the surrounding body tissue. A ruptured cerebral aneurysm can cause permanent brain damage, disability, or death.

"An unruptured aneurysm may not cause any symptoms over an entire lifetime. Surgical clip ligation will ensure that it won't rupture, but it may be better to leave the aneurysm alone in some cases. Familial cerebral aneurysms may rupture earlier than those without a genetic link.

"The outlook is not as good for a person who suffers a ruptured aneurysm. Fifteen to twenty-five percent of people who experience a ruptured aneurysm do not survive. An additional 25–50% die as a result of complications associated with the hemorrhage. Of the survivors, 15–50% suffer permanent brain damage and disability. These conditions are caused by the death of nerve cells. Nerve cells can be destroyed by the hemorrhage itself or by complications from the hemorrhage, such as vasospasm or hydrocephalus. Hydrocephalus, a dilatation (expansion) of the fluid-filled cavity surrounding the brain, occurs in about 15% of cases. Immediate medical treatment is vital to prevent further complications and brain damage in those who survive the initial rupture.

"The primary treatment for a ruptured aneurysm involves stabilizing the victim's condition, treating the immediate symptoms, and promptly assessing further treatment options, especially surgical procedures. The patient may require mechanical ventilation, oxygen, and fluids. Medications may be given to prevent major secondary complications such as seizures, rebleeding, and vasospasm (narrowing of the affected blood vessel). Vasospasm decreases blood flow to the brain and causes the death of nerve cells. A drug such as nimodipine (Nimotop) may help prevent vasospasm by relaxing the smooth muscle tissue of the arteries. Even with treatment, however, vasospasm may cause stroke or death.

"To prevent further hemorrhage from the aneurysm, it must be removed from circulation. In general, surgical procedures should be performed as soon as possible to prevent rebleeding. The chances that aneurysm will rebleed are greatest in the first 24 hours, and vasospasm usually does not occur until 72 hours or more after rupture. If the patient is in poor condition or if there is vasospasm or other complication, surgical procedures may be delayed."

i am frustrated, worn thin, scared, confused, worried for my father. i love him more than i can ever say.

thank you for all the phone calls, and help. i dont know what i would do without such great friends. please pray god's will for this situation.

Come sail away me...

2007-05-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

(me and my sisters, marrae and kelly.
to be fair, this is not the best shot of my gorgeous sister kelly, but it's the only one i have of the three of us together.)

yet another thing i've always wanted to learn: sailing.
i'm finally going to get a chance at this one. my dad can sail, and he's rented a boat for next weekend and he'll be taking me and my sisters out for a day. i'm soooooo excited. i'm gonna be like a real pirate. arrgh. i'd love to someday call sailing a hobby. like when i'm forty and stinkin rich. sounds good, right? anyway, he gave me this book to study so i can hopefully be of some help...

Currently ReadingBasic Keelboat (U.S. Sailing Certification) (U.S. Sailing Certification)By Monk Henrysee related

bits of my day

2007-05-22T20:23:00.000-04:00

no where else in the world is there a neighborhood that gets more ice cream truck visits than us. we had four drive by tonight. my kids are going crazy and it's not even june yet. "pleeeeeeeeeeease mom." the pleading looks, and desperate body language. i'm sure my kids think that everyone but them gets ice cream from a truck every night. oh well. they get it a couple times a month. poor, poor deprived children.
------------

andrew's getting some exercise tonight -mountain biking with his friend, jim. i love it when he gets to mountain bike - he always comes home stinky, sweaty and exhausted - but proud. i love to hear his subtle excitement when he tells me that he left someone in the dust on the straight paths. but i miss him when he's gone. i am a selfish woman who likes him home with me as much a possible. but i hide it and i'm always pushing him out the door to hang out with friends and do things.
------------
landscaping is not my forte. i very much appreciate the beauty of a well-landscaped yard, but i feel stuck in a rut with my own. a few years ago i hastily planted a few things in the empty front yard - and it looks OKAY - but too crowded and squished up against the house. and not everything i planted is thriving. ?? yet i feel afraid to try and fix it because i know SO little about gardening - and i kill so much. and my backyard hasnt changed since we bought the house. nothing but grass framed by weeds. it's a great country look. :) there are SOOO many weeds - and i dont want to spend lots on new plants - so i thought just leave it; it's impossible. but lately i'm inspired to dig-in and do what i can. so i DUMPED weed killer all along the worst weed section today - and i'm hoping to start there with a pretty new bed of some inexpensive hard to kill, you-can-run-over-it-with-the-car hearty shade plants. it's a start.
i'm tired today. there are toys everywhere, dishes in the sink, and laundry unfolded on my couch. and here i am blogging. yeesh. g'night.

boy o boy.

2007-05-15T21:45:00.000-04:00

cute story. outside in my back yard this morning with my 3 year old daughter. my daughter does not have my fear of bugs. she picks up, and usually unknowingly tortures, anything she can. ants, ladybugs, flies.... today she came up to me with a pill bug in her hand. she pointed out a jar in the garage she wanted me to get down for him to live in. i got the container and she dropped her friend in. we gave him some dirt to crawl in and some grass to play on. we brought him in the house. her very own pet. what is his name? i ask.

"roly poly" she answers. "I'm going to keep him in here, and he's gonna grow big. and then we're going to play cards."

"you're going to play cards with him?"

"yeah, we're going to play cards. he is very good at cards. he has sooooo many hands." :-)

May has been a boy-oh-boy stressful month for me. some good stress, some not-so-good. i am fighting hard to make some good of all of it, and not allow the depression that comes so easily to me. i think it's working. forbidding feelings of helplessness. it feels good knowing that i can go through something that is not fun, and take it as an opportunity to make a healthy decision to postively impact my world. but i would just like to handle this situation on my plate before any more surprises come my way. one break through at a time please. youch.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom.

2007-05-12T20:33:00.000-04:00

you and i are alike in many ways.

my favorite thing i got from you is the late night hysterical laughing fits. i have your eyes, (although a different color) and i have your crazy curls, but not your pretty feet.

thank you for showing me how to keep a neat house - even though my space in your house as a child was never as clean as it could have been. eventually when i had a house of my own, i had a great example to look to.

mom, i appreciate all you had to do when times were tough. i'll never know how tough it was. thank you for all the years and the hard work. raising children is such an enormous responsibilty. the weight can be hard to bear sometimes. i am amazed that you did it (and are doing it) FIVE TIMES. oi!

oh, and yes - the picture above is the only one i have of the two of us where your head is not smaller than mine!

happy day, momma. i love you.

......................

a restless evil

2007-05-01T22:52:00.000-04:00

when i was a teenager i had a poster on my wall that read, "the more words, the less meaning."

i've been blog dry. perhaps it's a reflection on my spirit. a bit too dry lately. no one to blame for that but myself. allowing myself a little bitterness in passing thoughts leads to bitterness in deliberate thoughts. and as it says - out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

reading in proverbs last week, my eyes kept being drawn to the abundance of verses about the mouth and the lips and our words. how much power lies in our words. how much is revealed about our souls by our words. days later i still cant shake the thought that this is something God is trying to change in me.

bah! i hear words and thoughts roll off my toungue that are neither helpful or edifying. i want to change. dont we all. but i dont want to just stop complaining or stop gossiping. simply shutting my lips is not the change i want. i want a change of heart. out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. so when i hear myself whining and sputtering off condescending remarks, i cringe because - ouch - that must be what is lying deep in my heart.

how? i like to consider myself a sweet, loving girl. but the evidence shows pride and hardness of heart. oh Lord. yet again, i see the picture of the woman i want to be, and i know the only way to get there is a long road of prayer and filling myself with the good and true words of the bible.

some of the proverbs that got this started for me:

"the mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelmes the mouth of the wicked." "Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning" "the mouth of a fool invites ruin" "when words are many, sin is not absent. but he who holds his tongue is wise." "the lips of the righteous nourish many," "a man who lacks judgement derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue."

holding my tongue. now THERE'S a new one. i run my mouth too much. the first thing that comes to mind is what comes out. this has caused trouble more often than not. at the very least, it has caused so much regret.

sometimes in life, i enjoy a sense of strength and maturity. other times i feel completely inadequate and weak, and by his mercy, this is when i grow.

Thanks Grandma

2007-04-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

a forward from my grandma. i like this way of thinking.

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and
shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been
hung on his window.

"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it." It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

truly simple, but totally life changing rules, dontcha think?

How Long?

2007-04-23T21:44:00.000-04:00

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I can't believe the news today
I can't close my eyes and make it go away.
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long, how long?
'Cos tonight
We can be as one, tonight.

Broken bottles under children's feet
Bodies strewn across the dead-end street.
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall.

Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Sunday, bloody Sunday.
Oh, let's go.

And the battle's just begun
There's many lost, but tell me who has won?
The trenches dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters
Torn apart.

---------

I felt like a little girl again sunday afternoon when my dad announced that he and my step-mom are getting a divorce.

i wasn't expecting that. or this pain.

but the Lord my God is my strength and my song, He also has become my salvation....

(comforting comments not necessary - unless you have a good song lyric to share...)

updates

2007-04-18T19:37:00.000-04:00

i'm becoming more and less disciplined lately.

kinda funny. i like it.

i have been oh-so faithfully playing my guitar lately - and i have sore cracked finger tips once again. very exciting for me.

i have also been faithfully excersizing almost every day. i've returned to the place i was at last fall where i daily feel like i want and need to excersize - it's good for the soul too.

i took all spring break week off from cleaning my house. it bugged my love a bit - but i was on vacation. i didnt do laundry. i did dishes once - yikes. i didnt clean the bathroom. i didnt vacuum or sweep or make my kids tidy their rooms. wow. the house really got trashed. so less discpline there - but it will soon be righted. i've spent the last couple days making a dent in the now mammoth cleaning list.

i attempted to fill out a fafsa (free application for somethingerother financial or federal student aid...) so i could take some classes in the fall, since my youngest will be in pre-school part time. but i learned that MI's fafsa deadliine is march 1 - so oops... maybe i'll look up grants instead.

my brother is getting married in a couple weeks. !!!!!!!!!!! i'm soo excited for him. his engagement, to a wonderful girl he's been with for five? years, has been unconmventional and we only just learned his wedding date last month. so may 6th it is - in watertown wisconsin... we'll be driving, and leaving the kids with my in-laws.

i ordered my new glasses last friday, and the next day my nose pads fell off my old pair. good times! i hope to keep this next pair for the next five or ten years until i get lasik.

i have had good blog thoughts all week, and instead you get a series of short life update bits...ah... oh well!

2007-04-10T20:48:00.000-04:00

a little pre-easter service entertainment from our church...

tough love.

2007-03-24T21:25:00.000-04:00

my kids are sick. for real sick. finally a reason for their intense crabbiness of the past couple days. fevers. coughs. and blake had some icky sticky runny yellow goo - oozing from his ear all day today. gross. but it seems to be relieving some of the pressure that was causing his cries of pain last night.

i was tough on him last night. i knew he was sick, and thought he probably had an ear infection - but since the doctor's office is closed for the weekend, and i had given him motrin, i thought surely it was okay for me to ask and expect him to stop crying after an hour or two of his non-stop wailing. i was tough. not that i think i was entirely wrong in expecting him to compose himself just a little bit. it's just hard to feel good about being tough even if i know it's for their good. it's hard not to want to spoil them when i realize that they are going to be adults before i know it - and i wont be able to wake up and make them pancakes while they run around laughing with eachother.

not long ago i was bathing grace, shampooing her little head, and i was once again overcome with the feeling that i want to freeze my children in their current ages. i want to shampoo my babies hair forever. selfishly, i dont want them to grow up. to lose their naivety. time is just racing by, much faster than i expected it to.

2007-03-16T21:10:00.000-04:00

happy st. patti's day to all me fellow pat's and patsy's!

you know what?

i think old people are absolutely wonderful and adorable. i should say "older" - not "old." dont want to offend.

but when i am driving down the street and i see a beautifully wrinkled black woman, walking slowly with her bag of goodies, it makes me smile. older people hold a lot of wonder for me. looking into their eyes is like being privy to a peek at their joys and struggles. i love how fragile some of them are, and that, even if you never knew them when they were younger, you can tell they've shrunk a bit.

i respect older people so much, because even if their not perfect angels (and some are not. some are cratchety and mean) still they have lived and endured on this earth for much longer than i have. they've seen more, heard more, lived more than me. and i could sit for days listening to their stories. i love to talk sometimes, but when i am in the presense of poeple over sixty-five, i like to shut up and soak up as much as i can.

i love visiting with andrew's grandma for that reason. somehow she and i usually end up alone in conversation at family parties - she passionatly telling her stories to me. often it's a story she's told me before, about her life forty years ago -when she was a young, struggling mother. a shaping time in her life, i think. she's amazing. she had three boys in cloth diapers at one point - and no washing machine! i hope i get to listen to her stories for many more years. younger generations could learn a lot of we all stopped to listen to our grandparents stories.

with the coming of old age, i know there sometimes comes aches and pains, but i still think i will enjoy being older. hopefully i will have someone who will enjoy listening to me ramble about the days back when . . . .

winter's truth

2007-03-12T21:38:00.000-04:00

read something today relating to mid-west winters...

"Winter comes down savagely over a little town on the prarie . . . The pale, cold light of the winter sunset did not beautify - it was like the light of truth itself. When the smoky clouds hung low in the west and the red sun went down behind them, leaving a pink flush on the snowy roofs and the blue drifts, then the wind sprang up afresh, with a kind of bitter song, as if it said, "This is reality, whether you like it or not. All those frivolities of summer, the light and shadow, the living mask of green that trembled over everything, they were lies and thisis what was underneath. This is the truth,'" by Willa Cather in My Antonia

dont get me wrong, i posted this because october247's latest blog reminded me of the quote - but i really enjoyed this winter. i got outside more than i normally do when it's cold. i enjoyed sledding and shoveling and cocoa. and seeing the trees covered in snow. and our winter was so mild and condensed. it was perfect. freezing cold and loads of snow for only for a brief time. the only winter in my life i can say i loved. i really did too.

just finish the sentence, sir.

2007-03-08T20:52:00.000-05:00

1. When I was five...my daddy drove away and i couldnt understand why. i just cried and cried. *edit* sometimes life throws curveballs that no one sees coming. that no one wants. i dont hold anything against my dad for that day. but i can still remember the pain. now as an adult, i understand. i love him so much. and everything has turned out so well. *end edit*

2. March sure is...cold. always always march is colder than i think it should be.

3. When I think of pepperoni... i think of heartburn. i havent eaten much peperoni since i was pregnant.

4. I don't think I will... be able to easily and happily switch Primary Care Physicians. but i have to - new insurance :(

5. Yesterday I heard... people who love eachother - and who i love - arguing instead of listening.

6. Cowboy boots... were one trend i could never get into. i was shocked when they became popular for women.

7. If I were a tree... shoot. i'd ask somebody to cut me free from my roots and carve me into a boat and sail me somewhere.

8. Computers will never... replace relationships. though they fight for your time and attention pretty darn hard.

9. The problem with toast is... nope. no problem with toast. mmm. i saw a recipe today for thick and crusty peanut butter french toast. it will be eaten in this household soon, i promise!

10. If I could, I would definitely... learn a few extra languages - AND the stinkin guitar. bah!

copy, paste and enjoy, y'all!

precious moolah?

2007-02-26T21:07:00.000-05:00

well well.

last night in bed, all the thoughts i've been processing about money all came together and rushed from my lips in one great soap-box display.

i exploded.

but it was all so good. and after i finished, andrew and i felt such a peace and togetherness - and he was happy to hear the thoughts i'd been having.

a couple weeks ago i was in the mall walking behind a very expensively dressed woman. i never saw the front of her, but from the rear, she just reeked of money. hmm. reeking from the rear. gross. but i couldnt help but think that if you stripped away all her expensive clothing and accesories, she and i wouldn't be so different. that she has struggles and problems and hardhsips all her own, and somehow having these designer shoes and handbags comforts her. makes her feel safe, beautiful, and more secure i'm guessing.

but for quite some time, i have been saddened by the money trap. by the way we humans can get so caught up in loving it, and what it can get us. how it distracts us from what is important.
last night, it started when i first got in bed and sighed a big sigh. a sigh that was trying to push away the heaviness i felt because of the giant cement block of debt that is tied to our necks. i hate it. i hate being in debt and feeling like there is no way we can possibly swim and kick and fight hard enough to get our heads above water. it's not right that we should owe anybody the amount that we do. and it's not right for me to spend money on extras when i owe the amount i do. i feel such a responsiblity to pay it all back in full.

i want to be drastically different. i want to live in a way that is not popular or comfortable, but honorable because it's within my means. if we do not drastically change the way we live, our debt will only continue to get worse. part of this awakening is coming from reading this book, The Jungle, i'm sure. this horribly poor family where even the children work, everyone is starving and they tie their shoes toghether with string to make them last longer.

so i am vowing to live within my means. to scrimp and save and not spend on anthing that is not necessary to keep my family alive and healthy. and by gum, we will get out of debt - and even one day have a savings. i will not buy new clothes simply because mine are horribly out of style. and i can survive just fine with one freaking pair of shoes. God knows the ten or so that i have should last me for years. i will not be buying new shoes until these all fall apart. i will not be eating out. i will not be buying alcohol. i will not be buying a bread knife - that i wanted to buy recently, and thought "i need it. i deserve it." but, shit. i dont need it. i have a whole freaking knife set and most of those knives will cut through bread. i will not buy new bedding to replace my old stuff. even it is on clearance at IKEA. i will not buy a bike rack for our car just so we can drive to a state park to ride...

all these things are fine and nice. and it is all too easy to decieve myself into thinking that i should be able to have these things when i compare myself to people i know with the means to have these things.

i simply cannot live like i am in a different class.

and i want to find a way to increase our income. i want and need to get a job so bad. i want to do what i am able to make our problems better. and i have confidence that when i am responsible with the little we have, things will get better. God will see our efforts and bless us. he had always provided so well for us, and i cannot wait to be even more dependant on him for my daily bread - which i will NOT be putting on my credit card soon if i can help it.

fin.

friends

2007-02-16T22:10:00.000-05:00

mm yeah. okay. promising to blog about something somehow takes a bit of the joy out of doing it. i should remember that.

so. my assignment. alright... friendships. we'll start there. and based on recent feedback, the best way to get MORE feedback is to keep it short. so i will. you will get the very condensed version of the many deep and awesome thoughts that have been running through my briain.
but then, by keping it short, i'm afraid it will sound very basic. too basic. like - "why the heck is she even writing this bumbling post about common wisdom..." great. thanks.

start again.

in my life, friends are like ice cream. they are so sweet and wonderful and there for you, but then eventually, you've eaten them all up and they're not in the freezer when you're peak-pmsing and just need a sugar fix. no. that's not right. but WHY did those two half gallons of ice cream disappear from my freezer last week. hmm? those were not good friends. dont make friends with ice cream. that's our lesson.

no. seriously. start again.

i'm sorry. i'm feeling incredibly goofy tonight, and not at all like blogging any serious junk. i'm sitting here with andrew's bathrobe over my clothes, my mouth guards in (i'm whitening my teeth, a gift from a friend) and my glasses. and i feel slightly UGLY BETTY tonight. very cool.

but. i've been dealing with expectations and friendships. trying to keep real expectations. trying to trust that He knows best. friendships are so important - they form us. how easily they slip away if not attended carefully. but our needs are different. our styles are different. sometimes being a friend can mean realizing when it's time to let go. sometimes friendship requires rolling up our sleeves and reaching out of our own world and into anothers. and arent we all just too busy and selfish to do what it takes. but i have hopes. hopes of less hurts, and more hugs.

anyway. that's the very short and probably way confusing version. but notice i made the paragraphs short to make the overall blog seem less intimidating and long...so maybe i'll STILL get comments... ?

in a minute

2007-02-12T21:57:00.000-05:00

i want to blog - i know it's been a bit long... oh well. i just cant seem to get much done on the computer lately.

drew and i are trying to be more responsible with our schedules and time... we want to start waking earlier, which means going to bed earlier. i'm already breaking the rules by being up right now. 10pm is supposed to be lights out. so all my fantastic blogging will have to wait. love you all.

upcoming blog possibilties:
friendships.
my new and healthy feelings about money.

Amazing Grace

2007-02-07T21:46:00.000-05:00

how can i be so happy and content with who i am, and with life in general when i'm home with my family - and then so competely insecure when i step outside my house? i dont expect an answer. i just dont get it.

i went out twice this weekend for a friend's birthday. it was fun. but weird. the first night i felt a bit akward and quiet. reserved but not wanting to be. and regreting my wallflower-likeness all the next day until we went out that next night, with more people, and i felt comletely opposite - like i was trying so hard to change the pattern of the night before that i was over the top and obnoxious. ugh. and i regretted all the way home and today. i dont know if i'll ever get past the "what did they think of me tonight?" thoughts. "what did they see in me tonight that will drive them away?" i know the more i place my self-worth in my Maker it should get better - but does it have to take so long? i'm impatient to the core.

it's strange to me that i've had such strong self-doubting thoughts lately because i'm in an incredible time of life right now.

i can say with complete confidence that i have never experienced life to be as wonderful as it it right now. it's weird - because financially - we're broke as a joke. the worst ever maybe, but that hasn't had any affect on my family. or maybe it's one of the factors drawing us together. all i know is that i am more happy than i imagined possible and so very content. what seemed like a hopeless marital situation a year ago has turned into an almost dreamlike bliss. there are no words. i am so in love. i've learned how to love.

all i can say is thank you. thank you god. thank you to those who prayed for us. a few days ago i was overwhelmed with the realization that if it werent for the many people praying for andrew and i, not only would we not be in this new loving stage of marriage, but we just wouldn't be together. i am blessed to be surrounded by friends and fanily who intercede for me, and my heart reaches out to those who are not also blessed in that way.

i am in a place of rest right now. a valley of peace, and mountaintop of victory. after the sweat and the tears, i want to stay here forever. i know i cant - but i'm enjoying the stay for now. what will tomorrow bring?

for today i am happy, and insecure, and freezing, and adoring my sick (but adorable) hubby lying on the couch next to me. life IS good.

my bright idea for the day

2007-01-22T22:03:00.001-05:00

last night while making dinner i dug through a cupboard for a skillet and found some water coming from where it shouldn't. reaching up, i felt a soft, rusty, penny sized hole in a 3" pipe running from the kitchen sink. okay - no big deal. i was bummed, but not upset. andrew shoved a bucket under the fast flowing leak (leak is an understantement) and declared to all that the kitchen sink was not to be used (!) again, no big deal to me. i am just happy i have a bathtub to do my dishes in - and dont have to go out in the snow to wash my dishes in a stream or something.

this morning i cleaned out my sink, moving everything to the bathtub. my kitchen sink was empty and shiny. a beautiful sight. and as i sat hunched over the tub scrubbing away, i thought, "hey, this isn't such a bad place for dishes! my kitchen is spotless, and if someone happens to stop by while my dishes aren't done, i can just CLOSE THE SHOWER CURTAIN! which lead me to think... "wouldnt it be great if we without dishwashers had curtains around our kitchen sinks?! shoot. i think it's a great idea. i try and stay on top of my dishes - and do it pretty well most of the time. but still there are the once-in-a-while-surprise guests on days when you're not so much on top of things. a good time for closing the curtain. ;-)

silliness

2007-01-17T23:02:00.000-05:00

from my xanga-friend

1. What are three of your favorite beatle's song's??
yesterday. hard days night. yellow submarine. ??

2. What radio station do you listen to most??
lately 93.9. this changes often for me though.

3. What are your top three destinations??
anywhere. and. everywhere.

4. What is your middle name??
ELIZABETH

5. If you have one, what is your maiden name??
Aulph

6. Do you miss it at all??
are you kidding? it sounds like vomit. and i couldn't make my signature pretty no maktter how hard i tried.

7. What book are you reading right now??
Bourne Identity by Ludlum

8. What are the last three movies you watched and your favorite of them??
Click, Home Alone and Casino Royale - i loved the james bond movie! home alone was fun just because i have never seen my son laugh so hysterically at a movie before - and click made me bawl.

9. When do you usually file your taxes??
the week after we get all our w2's . the sooner the better.

10. How long do you plan on living in your current home??
a couple years - hoping to have our sale sign up after we get our tax rebate...

11. Top three fave restaurants that you actually eat at??
eh - sorry. i love to eat out. most restaurants though are pretty much the same. places that stand out cost enough so that i cant say that i actually eat there regularly.

12. Last three cd's purchased??
um..... i think i bought a cd in 2001, rebecca st.james.... before that.... um.... i was probably in high school. luckily my husband buys me cds occaisionally. last cd's he bought me: Killers, White Stripes, Blind Faith.

13. How often do you babysit for others??
it seems to come in waves - i can go a few weeks with nothing - then suddenly everyone is calling...

14. What do you usually do at night during the week and what time do you go to bed??
i go a little crazy weeknights. alone with the kids until 8:30ish. homework, dinner, baths, dishes, stories, bedtime. then i collapse on the couch with a book or magazine or the remote. i start my bedtime routine beetween 9:30 and 10pm and lights out by 10:30 or 11pm.

15. what do you think you will have wished you had said to you parents/parent while they were alive, if they haven't passed already??
i was just thinking today how i probably dont make enough time/effort to be involved in my mom/step-dad's and dad/step-mom's lives... i would like to call them all at least once a week... i am hoping to leave nothing unsaid by the time they pass. i'm all about open and honest.

YOUR TURN!!

kevin's home

2007-01-04T13:16:00.000-05:00

My biggest little brother is home for a week; his first visit home in over a year because of coast guard duties...it's been unbelievably great spending time with kevin, and getting to know him all over again since God and the coast guard turned him into a man. his strength and maturity impress me on so many levels.

i love you, kev. now if we could just get the guard to station you in port huron, MI...

excuse me

2006-12-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

my little angel.
she has taught herself how to force a burp.
she's managed over one hundred burps this morning already.
blake and i are jealous that we cant do it too.

happy birthday, papa chris.

Skin Deep

2006-12-20T14:51:00.000-05:00

pretty faces are a dime a dozen on this earth.
beautiful bodies are just as common.

so why all the fuss? everywhere i look i see people who are pleasing to the eye. for me, it is rare to find someone plain. instead, i see so much beauty. each of us is a priceless work of art. so what does that tell me? that God knows what he's doing, for one.

but also, that i need to go deeper. i can find beauty easily on the surface of others, and i can find beauty easily IN others too. but sometimes i forget to look for beauty inside myself. i've spent a lifetime being told i am beautiful, so i can hold my head high and say with confidence that i know i'm not ugly. but i forget to go deeper. i want to know i am not ugly on the inside as well.

when i am feeling the weight of stress, i can become very superficial. worrying if i look okay becomes most important for some reaon. because i think people will like me more? because it's easy for me to handle and succeed at? i dont know. but when the day is over i come back to thinking - i want to be so much more. i'd rather have a haggard outward appearance if i could just be a little more like the woman i desire to become. sometimes i feel so dirty, so guilty, and undeserving. God has tucked as much if not more beauty inside my skin than outside, so why is it so easy for me to forget? sometimes i wish i would never hear a compliment about my appearance again - because i did'nt do anything for it. but i tell you what, i'd love to be minding my own business one day and have someone remark on my christ-like character. i'm just not there yet.

so Lord continue what you're working out in me. i've felt the growing pains quite a bit this year, and i feel them more each week. i see myself for both the struggling girl that i am and the woman i know you can help me to become. and i think i like what i see.

Loving IKEA

2006-12-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

a quick funny story. someone dear to me - i would'nt dare name names - said this to me the other day: (i found it amusing, hopefully you will too) "there were times early in our relationship when i would look at you and think, 'i cant believe i married an 18 year old, but i bet she'll be one amazing 25 year old...' " i'm 25 now. any better, baby?

also - i was very excited to make my very first IKEA purchase a few days ago. i've visited a few times, drooled at much, and finally got to make a purchase. we bought a cool twin bed for grace that we've been saving for. it has three drawers underneath; perfect for a girl with the smallest room and SO much stuff. building it ourselves was a bit scary for me. i couldn't help but think that she probably shouldn't be jumping on the bed that mommy (and daddy) built... anywho, it's nice to have her in a real bed (she's been using a crib mattress on the floor...) and i cant believe it was so inexpensive!

oh! and we finally have our first REAL tree up and decorated!!! i LOVE it. it's the classic douglas fir... i already know what tree i want next year - a white spruce. soooo pretty.

Trust Me

2006-12-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

some of my best blog posts happen when i've been thinking and stewing about something in my head for a week or so. then i sit down and it all comes out beautifully on the screen. this is not one of those times.

ignorance is bliss.

i think if is had one wish, i would NOT choose as solomon did. i would choose pure ignorance. what little smarts i have are apparently too much for my weak self.

this is all so ridiculously vague. i cant articulate what's going through my mind. i look at the places life has taken me, the places i have chosen to go, and cant help but wonder what happened. what went wrong? why do we make stupid choices while thinking we are dead-right? how did i get to this place? why spend two years as a family, thinking you are progressing toward your career goals, only to find yourself right where you started? nothing makes sense to me. i want to stop trying to figure it out.

i want to live with complete abandon and trust in my Lord. but my-oh-my, do i have some trust issues! i have always lived life in a way so that i dont need to trust or depend on almost anyone. it's too dangerous. and i tell you what, God doesn't make it very easy either. trust Him? and then what? watch something completely fall apart, and know He must have a reason - but He's not telling. trust is so difficult. it's always been easier for me to just be alone, and not trust - only now i've come to the end of my abilites to sustain myself and i NEED to trust. so i'll try again, reach out to my Father and hope my heart does not break.

******************************

"it's in despair that i find faith. summon the night to bow down to day. when ignorance is bliss, save me from myself. and then i see you there with your arms open wide and you try to embrace me. these lonely tears i cry they keep me in chains and i wish they'd release me. cold is the night but colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay. " (fade to grey by jars of clay)

Christmas Shoes

2006-12-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

i've decided that the song "christmas shoes" could possibly be the worst and most dangerous christmas song EVER. i cannot listen to that song without crying. if i am lucky, it will be just a few tears, but sometimes it's an all-out sob. while driving. who can drive and listen to sad sad songs?! yes, i am becoming more and more sappy with every passing year, but this has to be the saddest song i know. and, for the well being of other drivers, i feel it's my responsibility to turn off the radio when that song comes on, even if that means i may never hear the song again. ( i only listen to the radio in my car.) Does anyone else get weepy from hearing a song?

dangerous i tell you. dangerous.

All Growed Up!

2006-11-30T09:12:00.000-05:00

somebody got a huge build-your-own sundae at max-n-erma's today.

Today is her third birthday and she's officially all growed up. three years ago, right about his time, i was checking into the birthing center for what i was sure was going to be the easiest birth ever! hehe. six hours later i had my squirming, beautiful, BLONDE baby. i'm slightly sad that my last baby isn't a baby anymore.

But i love her as a big girl. she and i have been having so much fun together lately. one of my favorite parts about her believing that she's all growed up is this potty thing. back in september, after months of hard work and no results, we took a break from all potty training. last week when we were talking about her upcoming birthday, she realized she didnt want to be a baby anymore. the difference between potty training a resentful child and a determined child is amazing. when we potty trained over the summer i pulled out all the stops; we had potty parties, candy treats, and we taught baby dolls how to do it, but SHE didn't want to. and that's huge. it's like trying to get someone you love to lose weight. you can't change them with all the prodding, encouragment and incentives in the world; it has to be all their decision. so she decided to be a big girl, and i almost cried a few days ago when she said to me (for the first time in her life,) "I have to go peepee!" yay! happy birthday big girl.

Family

2006-03-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

blake may not be so happy here, but mom and grace are!

and that's all of us! i was trying to find a picture of the four of us together, but it's apparently impossible; one of us is always behind the camera.

2006-03-08T14:23:00.000-05:00

My son blake is for some reason fascinated by tatoos. we've told him he has to be 18 first for a real one. in the mean time, daddy gives him great sharpie tattoos!