how was my day today?

as my dad would say, "that IS the question."

i am completely drained and worn and confused. i feel fine, and strong when i am with him, but everytime i leave his room or the hospital i have a moment of release - venting the stress with tears. the stress of the unknown. what does his future hold? what role will i play in it? what will the cat scan results be? ugh!!!!!! lord god almighty i need you.

i really miss my children, i want to hold them forever. cuddle them, smell them, push them on the swing. listen to them whine. whatever. i know this is just for a time. me hanging out in an un-kid friendly hospital. soon they'll be able to come with me to visit grandpa.

my dad scared me a bit today. i went in early because i heard a rumor that he was to be released. but then he had one last MRA that showed that his ruptured aneurism was slowly filling with blood. the neurosurgeon will be watching that closely apparently. yeah. so i waited with him all day for someone to come sign him out, until his headache grew worse and they decided he needed another CAT scan. which they didnt get to until i was leaving for the night around 8pm. they also want to do a doppler on his legs to rule out blood clots. (he's been having great pain in both his legs.)

but i tell you, this has just been an emotional week. emotions flying everywhere. dad has given his words of wisdom to every visitor. teary eyed and full of love, it's as if he's giving his last words. it's hard to take in such latge doses. all day today we had such good talks - that i'll remember forever - but it's hard. it's hard to see him want nothig else than to go home and get in his bed, and i cant just say yes. i hate seeing him hurt. he's been in so much pain this week, mostly his head hurts. it's hard to watch. but i want to be there for him. he keeps saying how much it means to have me there with him. how comforting it is. and i wouldnt have it any other way. i've gotten to hear stories i've never heard before about his parents and his life.

well now, there's a chance he'll be discharged tomorrow and then he's moving to an acute care facilty where he can have a little physical therapy and some neuro/psych therapy, and most importantly have someone with him 24/7. he'll be there for a couple weeks i think. then back to his condo.

gosh - if anyone's still reading this - thank you guys. thank you hannah and jenny and shannon for the DELICIOUS food - thank you meldoy for the food you made that i wasnt home to receive yet, thank you cheryl for calling and sending your love, thank you shannon for taking such good care of my kids and taking them to swim class. thank you to danielle and nikki ad all my family for your kind words and prayers. thank you, thank you , thank you all.